When I first began freelancing, I paid attention to everything around me. Every news story, newspaper article, and outing with a friend would leave my head spinning with possible story ideas. I would carry a notepad with me just so I could jot down a would-be article. My brain became trained and this just came naturally.

Now, two-and-a-half years later, I find myself racking my brain for something to write about. What happened? I gave my mind a break. It got exhausting after a while—treating everything like work. A dinner date wasn’t just a dinner date. A leisurely read wasn’t relaxing. A television program was just another means to get something on paper. So I trained my brain again—this time to enjoy my work-free moments. If a thought came into my head, I would push it out, telling myself I would write it down later. Sometimes I did; sometimes I didn’t. I figured if the idea was important enough, it would come back. Often it did; sometimes it didn’t.

Was this trade-off worth it? I think for the most part it was. I did get less ideas, but the ones I remembered were good ones. But, on a day like today when I want to have pitches ready to send out, I wish I had let work thoughts enter my head during the last movie or dinner. But then I think about the joke I would have enjoyed less or the book that would not have been as cozy or the time with friends and family that you can’t replicate and I feel I did the right thing.

The other thing this pushing-ideas-away has taught me is to write about what I want. When I started freelancing, my mind spat out ideas like a conveyor belt and this was great because the more I pitched, the more I hit. That’s still the way it works. Only now, there are stories that I get paid for but that also inspire me and that I enjoy writing. And there are other articles that are just ways to get money—no hard-core thinking, no feelings of excitement as I write them. I have realized I want the first ones, and if that means coming up with three great ideas that hit and that I’ll like writing, instead of a list of 10 (sometimes with the same hit result), then it’s worth it. And if I find out this new way is holding me back, I’ll just retrain my brain again.

Sorry for the lapse in posts, but I have been sick with a bad cold for over a week. It’s almost gone now and I feel close to 100% normal again. Time away, however, has let me think of new ideas so all for the best, right?

Actually, this is what I’ll be writing about today: the benefits of positive thinking. My friend Vinessa has a theory about this–think positive thoughts and good will happen. Sounds too simple, doesn’t it? But the more I think about it, the more I want to subscribe to this way of thinking. Really, I’ve done it before. Put on my blinders and did not let negative thoughts and people stand in my way. That’s how I got into freelancing. I had heard it all: ”Don’t be disappointed if this doesn’t work out,” “Don’t you think you’re setting your sites too high?” ”What’s your back-up plan?” “So, will this be like a hobby?” and the list goes on. At the start of my career transition, I let the voices (both real and those in my head) penetrate my go-getter attitude. What if they were right? What if I couldn’t do it? Maybe I shouldn’t bother because then no one will reject me. Then I decided to block them out. Just like that. I told my well-meaning friends that all I needed from them was support. I told the voices in my head to shut up unless they had something worthwhile to say. And I took classes and pitched, pitched, pitched. And you know what? It worked.

This could apply to all our wants, can’t it? I’m not saying that positive thinking alone is some magic dust to cure all issues, but think about what stops you in your tracks, what prevents you from changing careers, running that race you always wanted to run, writing a novel? It’s not that you physically can’t do these things. Once you believe it can happen, you’ll start taking the necessary measures to MAKE IT HAPPEN. And then, you’ll be unstoppable.

I’ll lead the pack. Here is my mantra. An agent WILL want my book. It WILL get published. What’s yours? 

I sent my YA manuscript to one agent and got an encouraging rejection letter back. The best rejection letter yet, but a rejection letter nonetheless. My friends sent their work to agents too and got rejection letters as well–some personalized, some form. I think we’re all good writers so what’s the deal?

How do you find an agent that’s right for you? We’ve researched them online, bought books, did the trial-and-error thing and it hasn’t brought us closer to finding the right one. Granted, we haven’t really sent out to many yet. I’ve sent to one, my one friend to two, and my other to 5 maybe. It’s still a far cry from how many Stephen King and Nicholas Sparks and other big authors sent to. Yet, we want this magic to happen, an instant gratification, to be a part of those fairy tales you hear about on TV.

Some people have compared this process to dating, but if that’s the case then it’s going to take me more than 12 years–how long it took me to find my husband–to find the right agent! I can’t wait that long. I would even venture to say that dating is easier. At least there you get a second shot sometimes, the benefit of the doubt, someone who will overlook a few minor flaws like falling asleep midway through a movie or getting a poppy seed stuck in your teeth. With queries and the manuscript you get one shot. An agent won’t normally say, “I think you have something but there are some thing you need to work on. You’re new to the business, but I’ll take you on anyway.” Well, some might I suppose.

Maybe finding an agent is somewhat like dating in that just like some guys will dump you for minor infractions (and, let’s be honest ladies, you will dump guys for silly stuff as well), others will give you that second shot. They’re both a numbers game. So pad that manuscript, pretty it up, get it into the best shape you can, and then set it free. Let it go. Allow it to get out into the world. And when it comes back crying because it was dumped yet again, do what you did. Console it, let it cry for a few days or a week or two, tweak a thing here or there–if you think that’s necessary–and then send it right back out.

If finding an agent is truly like the dating world, your manuscript–just like you–will find a soulmate.

A recent event has taught me something else about myself: I like to feel needed. Not just regular let-me-help-you-with-those-bags needed, but the kind of needed that makes you put your own needs on the back burner.

We can psychoanalyze where this comes from and why I feel like this, but that’s what therapy is for. What I want to do now is deal with this realization and curb my tendencies to drop all important to me to feed this need.

But it’s not that easy–stopping this martyr thing that comes over me. For some reason, someone saying they need my help and me dropping everything else to answer their call makes me feel like I’m being the best person possible. And, apparently, that’s what makes me feel good. Yet, after the initial I-put-others-first high wears off, I’m left with the reality of what I’ll have to do to meet these goals and a dread.

My sister says this is not a new realization, and I think she’s right. I guess I always knew this about me, but just finally had enough. One person doesn’t have to be the martyr all the time, and it’s OK to say “no” to someone. Why should what I’m dealing with be any less important?

I guess the only thing left to do is act on this acknowledgement of mine. Martyr no more! 

This week brought to mind a resolution I should make: to ignore what other people think. I have thought about this before, but for some reason it just never sticks. As I’ve grown older, I have come to appreciate myself more and be happy with the unique qualities that make me me. Yet, when random voices (no, not those in my head, those of actual people) put in their two cents about my life and what I choose to do with it, I find myself defending my choices. Why?!

Well, it’s going to stop now. From this point on, I’ll stop being timid about my choices and decisions; I’ll be more assertive. When I feel truly passionate about world events and politics, I make this known and don’t apologize so why when it comes to my life do I feel the need to please others with my decisions?

A writer I really admire recently made the same resolution. So are we back to this being yet another one of those creative people/writer things? Definitely food for thought.

Off to watch the Jets game now (my hubby’s favorite team). After that, it will be the Giants’ turn to kick butt, or–if they continue to play as they have been most of the season–to get their butts kicked.

I’ll take my cue from the football players’ behavior after lost games. They don’t apologize for their actions. Now neither will I. 

     Obviously, I’ve been way behind with posting, but I’m going to start the new year off right. At the risk of being a cliche, this post will be devoted to resolutions. Yes, I hear your groans but I’m tired so there will be no originality today. Well, maybe there will be a little originality. Rather than make goals, I have no chance in hell of keeping, I’m going to focus on doable goals and personality-oriented ones as well. Here goes….

1. Send out my YA novel to agents.

2. Focus on short-story writing.

3. Not be so self-deprecating. I think this is a creative person thing. Why can’t we acknowledge that we’re good at what we do?

4. Continue working on my craft through workshops, writing exercises, etc.

5. Update this blog weekly–at a minimum. OK, I’ve said this before, but this time it’s going to happen.

6. Work on making this website a home for other writers.

7. More to come….

Let me know of your resolutions! Here’s to everyone having a productive year. 

Taking a break from my TV reviews to focus on the writing life. Um, yeah, you’re probably thinking, isn’t that why you started this blog in the first place? It is, but if you recall, my first blog was all about my TV habits so it’s not like you didn’t know that side of me. Not like I waited until we were in love to reveal this dark part of my personality. I laid it all out there on our first date, which is a lot more than most people would do.

Anyway…Back to the writing life. That’s progressing well. I’ve had more articles published in SELF magazine and Ladies’ Home Journal and am actively pitching. In many respects my writing is where I wanted it to be when I set deadlines for myself two years ago. In other ways it’s still not–there are always more magazines I want to get into, always more assignments I could get. After all, my current place on the writing totem pole is good for my two year goal but not even close to being enough for a writing career. Yes, I know all that comes with time. The more I pitch and write, the more exposure I get, the more assignments come my way (and, btw, as far as self-promoting goes, this has been the point of my tv reviews–maybe I can use them as clips to do some show reviews). Maybe the thing to do is to ask myself what will be ideal? What is the my goal? The answer, however, scares me because it may never happen. See, in my head, I won’t feel successful until I get a book published. It’s crazy, isn’t it? If someone else told me the same thing, I’d say, “But you’ve been published in all these places, have other things in the works, how can you discount that?” And, in my head, I know what I’m doing should not be dismissed, but since I’ve been little the goal seemed to be a book. Isn’t that the way authors are measured?

And there’s another thing. A big part of me feels that if I could only get a book published, I could pitch less, stress out about deadlines less, not always feel like I have to push, push, push. But other writes tell me they always feel like this, like this article, book, whatever may be their last. Tough world for a girl like me who likes stability. Yet, when I was teaching full time, I’d come home depressed because it wasn’t what I wanted to do. Sunday would roll around and I’d begin to mope and panic because I’d have to go back to a job I didn’t like. And what can get more steady than teaching? I guess I feel that once I’m more established, I won’t feel like I’m on a roller coaster of emotions. I’ll know there will be work and I’ll get to do what I love.

This is how the creative life goes though, I suppose. You get a part in a show, sell an article idea, a painting, a song and you get this high. You think, “Wow. I’m really doing it. Everyone said I couldn’t do it, but I am.” And then, maybe 10 minutes later, maybe a day if you’re lucky, the high wears off and you realize it’s just one article, one painting, one song, one part. And tomorrow you have to start again. That feeling, though, the one where you feel like you can float, because your creative part is at work and you’re getting paid to write, act, paint, sing is like no other. Deadlines may loom ahead and they’re what threaten those moments of excitement, but you want, crave, live for those moments. In my world, when I attend conferences, interview top experts in the medical or education field, have cars take me to lectures or luncheons, I’m excited. My pulse quickens, my heart beats quickly, I feel the smile on my face. And then it’s time to write and I wonder if the piece will come out alright. Will they like this article and assign me another? How do I stay on everyone’s radar, how do I improve my skills so more pitches get accepted? I don’t like these lows, the uncertainty, the desire to stay in bed for days because it’s so much nicer than facing the unknown. So I take a break, sometimes two weeks, sometimes more, sometimes less, and I wait for the boredom and restlessness to set in. I work on other creative projects, all the while different pitches swim inside my head. I write them down to be used for when I’m ready to go back to that world because they don’t come as easily when I’m trying to think of them. And then I start to crave that high, the one that only lasts a few minutes. And I return to the writing world and the cycle starts again. How much is that high worth? Is it enough to counteract the lows? I’m still trying to figure it out.

I think I was a little ambitious in trying to review every show I watch. Some shows are great but they don’t lend themselves to a play by play. So from now on I’m only focusing on the ones that do: Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill, and Degrassi: The Next Generation (yes, it’s embarrassing to admit I watch this, but let’s go beyond this and realize how cool it is that I AM admitting it; takes guts, no?). However, if a normally non-soapy show has a soapy element one week, I’ll incorporate it into my blog line-up.

Sunday:

Desperate Housewives–Someone must have been listening because the last two episodes totally made up for the fact that last year’s season was pathetic. Brie is now married to wife killer Orson and in typical Brie fashion she’s choosing to believe that he did not kill his wife. But, let’s take a minute to think about this, shall we? If someone interrupted my engagement and told me my husband killed his wife, I would trust the info as far as I could trust the source (so I can understand Brie not believing the loony woman). I, too, would want to believe he didn’t do it but then when I was told the body wasn’t found, that police only investigated him, that he scrubbed his clean with bleach (Ok, Orson says he cleans when he’s upset and Brie can understand this), I’d think about postponing the wedding. You can stand by your man, sure, but what’s wrong with waiting another month or two just to see if a body turns up. I’m just saying….

Another interesting twist–Gabby and Carlos’s long-awaited baby turned out to be hospital sperm mix-up so now there’s nothing holding those two crazy kids together-except for maybe their inclination to cheat on each other. But, and you can call me romantic (I’ve been called worse), I see them getting back together. When they pulled away from each other at the end of Sunday’s episode–fancy, expensive cars humming sadly, I saw that they still had feelings.

In other character news, Mike is still in a coma and Susan looks like she will embark on a new relationship–with a man whose wife is in a coma. Is this a match made in heaven or what? Lynette is battling Tom’s ex-lover who won’t leave them alone, and looks like Edie’s smokin’ nephew will be getting it on with Susan’s daughter. All these story lines look like they’ll be the highlights of next week’s episode. Oh, and Brie’s son Andrew will come back next week too. Looks like he’s been homeless these last months (although Spoilerfix.com gives hints that he may have been a male prostitute). Lookin’ good DH. Keep it up!

Tuesday:

Gilmore Girls–Last week’s long-awaited episode had its moments. Logan’s weird gift to Rory (a rocket–who else thought this was some kind of phallic symbol?) turned out not so weird and actually super romantic when she found out it meant he really loved her (too long to explain but it has to do with a Twilight Zone episode). But the end of the episode, when he’s not as eager to see Rory as she is him, leaves us wondering. I’m betting they work out, though, at least for half a season.

But for all the sweetness of Rory’s storyline, Lorelai’s was the opposite. A few things. One, she didn’t seem nearly as upset as she should be that she and Luke broke up. I mean, this is her true love, her meant to be, and she doesn’t want to give it another chance? It isn’t like she gave him a real chance to respond to the ultimatum to begin with. Yes, she waited way too long to give the ultimatum, but once she did, she needed to give him some time–a day at least, hell a few hours–to process what she’s saying. He comes back wanting to elope and as he’s speaking, you see how much Luke really loves her, and Lorelai tells him she slept with Christopher. WHY?! Technically, they weren’t even together at that point (those of you who thought Rachel and Ross weren’t really on a break may argue this), so why bother telling him? And when Luke angrily left, I swear I think I was more upset than Lor. Maybe she’s just trying to hold it all together. Today’s episode kind of hints at that.

Wednesday:

One Tree Hill–Good stuff. Nathan, Lucas, Rachel (that was a surprise) make it out of the river alive. Coop is still in a coma and we’re getting the sense that he really saved everyone. Although at one point Nathan seems to hallucinate that it was Hailey…. For one brief moment Rachel looks like she’s going to become human, but no. Tomorrow’s episode show’s that she’s become an even bigger skank than she was. Now she’s going after Hailey’s husband. Haven’t those two newlyweds been through enough? I mean, honestly. On another note, I really hope Mouth finds a nice girl this year. He’s come a long way from his Boy Meets World days and needs some lovin’ (not my type, but he must be somebody’s).

Dan is his old villain self, pretending to be nice to Karen (please don’t fall for it, K) while strangling Deb behind the hospital’s closed doors. I’m guessing by the end of this season, he’ll be arrested for Keith’s murder. But here’s the thing. Who knows he did it and how? I think that’s going to be my favorite story line. I love ghost Keith.

Another story to watch–Brooke and Lucas. Now that she’s pregnant with his baby, what will happen next? Obviously, he doesn’t know and something tells me she’s going to miscarry before he finds out or maybe he’ll find out then or Hailey will let it slip. The Peyton angle here is annoying. I’m tired of her going after Lucas. Find another boy, P. There are plenty of them in Tree Hill. I hear Mouth is free. The story line of her meeting her birthfather is not that exciting to me either. But the writers seem to think it is.

Thursday:

Grey’s Anatomy–The first episode did not have anything happen, but it was sweet and sad and showed the characters bonding. The scene of Izzy in her prom dress, pressed against the floor, made me want to cry. The end with Meredith picking no one was no surprise and I know I’d be mad if I cared.

Last week, though, things picked up. Re Meredith’s decision: in the end she decides to date both McDreamy and the vet. Not a bad choice. I’m surprised she hadn’t thought of it sooner. How can you commit to one man when you don’t know either that well? Smart choice, Mer. In other relationship news, Christina will have to work hard to get on Burke’s mom’s good side. That girl is tough, though, and definitely up for it. She has certainly evolved since season one. Here’s what I’ll be watching for this week: dates with the vet (so happy that Chris O. has a steady gig), McDreamy on his date behavior, and new scenes with McSteamy–the guy Addison had an affair with. Speaking of, what more was there to say when she slept with him again last week? She looked ashamed, too. Poor Addison.

Friday:

Degrassi–Obviously, no one took my advice on getting Miriam (Emma on the show) acting lessons. Maybe it’s not her fault. Maybe it’s that her part just calls for lots of whining and there’s not much she can do to help that situation. And, as long as we’re on the topic of good storylines. Since anorexia doesn’t just vanish, how about we see Emma in some counseling sessions or something? That girl had quite a year last season between getting an STD, anorexia, and catching her stepdad cheating on her mom, she should def. talk to a shrink about her issues.

Sean is back and turning over a new leaf but gets thrown off track by Emma’s bf. Cut Sean some slack, people. At least let him get into the groove a little bit before making him fall flat on his face. Again.

Things to watch for: Spinner’s relationship with G-d fearing girl, Ashley and Jimmy heat that the previews keep promising, a muzzle to shut Emma up. 

Been a little stressed out and sick lately, but you know what has brightened my mood? The fall line-up! Old favorites are back–Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill, Degrassi: The Next Generation, Grey’s Anatomy, How I Met Your Mother, Desperate Housewives. New shows that look promising–The Class, Studio 60, Six Degrees, Nine. Kind of new shows that came back–What About Brian? And more will be returning mid season–Medium for one. Check out my takes on some of my faves below.

Tonight is Grey’s Anatomy. Party’s on! What will this season bring? Big question seems to be McDreamy vs. Vet, but you know what? I don’t care about that! I mean really, Meredith, McDreamy jerks you around all season and then you finally meet a cute, caring vet and you screw McDreamy in an empty hospital room?! Have you no pride, girl? Tell McDreamy to get to stepping. The story line that’s more interesting to me is the one with Izzy. Who didn’t feel their heart breaking when Denny died and Alex carried Izzy in his arms? The Christina-Dr. Burke scenario has potential too. Looks like she’s finally giving some of herself. It’s about time.

Gilmore Girls: Um, what? Is what I have to say about the season finale. It’s right up there with the time Rory sleeps with Dean while he’s still married. Note to writers–just because something is shocking, doesn’t mean it works. The Luke/Lorelai issue of last season was getting ridiculous. No rhyme or reason as to why Luke wouldn’t tell Lor about his daughter. Lorelai has experience raising a kid–duh. So, to create tension, Lorelai sleeps with Christopher. Again, WHAT? There are more creative ways to create drama and keep them apart. This season better make more sense and not just throw obstacles that don’t quite work for the sake of controversy or cliffhangers.

One Tree Hill: Who really thinks Nathan or Lucas will die? Anyone, anyone? Of course no one does, but here was an example of a season finale that still kept you riveted. We know they’ll be OK–don’t think I can say the same about Rachel or Nate’s Uncle–but we’re still engaged. How will they get out of the river? Why is Rachel such a wack job? Will Peyton just give up on Lucas already and look up the meaning of “best friend”? Will Brooke learn to trust Lucas (played by Chad Michael Murray, Bush’s cheating ex hubby)? And, most interesting to me, will Dan finally crack up and confess to killing Keith? That little boy is haunting, yo! I know I’ll be watching.

How I Met Your Mother: Started the season off with a bang. Just the right mix of sentiment and humor. I love this show. Questions that come to mind: What does Robin have to do with the woman Ted ends up marrying? When will Lily return (we did see her lurking at the end of the new episode)? When she does return, will Marshall already be with someone else? You can pretty much count on it. Will Barney stoop to lower levels? Gosh, I hope so!

The Class: This will def. be one of my new favorite shows. Love the premise. And here’s what I’m betting–a break-out of third grade reunions nationwide!

Degrassi: Drama, drama, drama! This season–Looks like Ashley will finally sleep with Jimmy. Go them for not letting a wheelchair get in the way! Emma (man, that girl is beyond annoying) will be in a love triangle. Can someone make acting lessons part of her choices? Really curious about what will happen with Paige (she’s no longer experimenting with women, I think), Marco, Ellie (she’s awesome), oh, yeah, and Craig (is that boy still touring or will he have another breakdown and go back to school). And of course there’s Spinner and his Christian girl who looks like she’s going bad. To replace her, resident slut Manny seems to have taken a turn for the good.

What About Brian?: Very excited this show is back. What will they do next? There’s the tension between Brian and Marjorie and the season finale showed us that Adam is figuring it out. Then there’s wonderful, sweet Dave whose wife Deena decided on open marriage and changed her mind too late (serves her right to let someone like him go). And will Nic and Angelo conceive? Stay tuned!

Desperate Housewives: Behaving like a guy who finally got the girl and can now sit on the couch farting and burping, DH totally slacked last season. Story lines (Caleb in the basement) went nowhere. People were thrown in w/out explanation. The one interesting story was with Lynette and her husband. Gabriella, Carlos and the nanny he boffed were getting stupid. This season better make up for last, DH crew, or it will be time to kick you to the curb.

Commentary to come:

Studio 60: A really smart show, with great tunes, and gives us a peek into the TV world. Has lots of promise and will update after the second show. Let’s hope viewers tune in!

Six Degrees

Nine

Stay tuned!

If I feel I’m not being heard or understood or ignored, I get this complex where I  have to make a point by any means necessary. Let’s blame it on my childhood (hey, that’s always a good explanation of anything, right?), where the parents were always right and the kids didn’t really have a say because that was not respectful. Whatever the reason, it’s a bad trait and it’s gotta go.

Case in point: Was hanging out with a good friend this weekend and we started debating an issue and I began to get upset because I thought my view wasn’t being acknowledged. Then I got to thinking. Does it matter? What do I gain from someone saying I’m right or even seeing things from my perspective? Isn’t it much easier to not waste the energy and just move on? Wrong or right, people won’t always see things how you want them to, and what I’m coming to realize is that this is OK. I think I could have saved myself lots of needless irritation and got out of an uncomfortable situation had I simply stopped at the first sign of resistance and just decided, “Hey, who cares?” At the moment, though, a part of me (and this is where childhood issues come in), felt like I was being told that what I was saying didn’t matter. I know now that’s not the case, and it’s something to take away with me for another day.

The next time something comes up, I’ll smile and quote my wise friend Jason Stubbs, “I feel strongly about both sides.” Let someone work with that!